Police Report: Edward ‘Big Balls’ Coristine Assaulted in Alleged Carjacking

According to the police report, Edward "Big Balls" Coristine, a staffer for the DOGE cryptocurrency, was allegedly assaulted in an attempted carjacking incident. The report states that the incident occurred in Washington, D.C. and that the perpetrator was not apprehended. In response, President Donald Trump shared a photo of Coristine on social media and threatened to "federalize" the city. WIRED magazine obtained a copy of the police report, which provides details about the alleged attack. The report does not include any information about the motive or the identity of the perpetrator. It also does not confirm whether the incident was related to Coristine's work with DOGE or if it was a random act of violence. The article highlights the involvement of high-profile figures, such as the President, in an apparent local law enforcement matter. However, the report does not provide a comprehensive account of the incident or its potential implications.