My life collapsed when my husband had an affair. How can I recover? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

It’s OK to be angry at your husband – the shame isn’t yours to carry I have been married for 30 years. Until recently, we were the best of friends. Then he began being distant, though he remained kind. I thought this was a passing phase, a midlife crisis of some sort. But one day I found out by chance that he had been engaged in a year-long affair with another woman. Life as I knew it collapsed. It was not so much that my world was turned upside down, as it lost its cohesion. I was instantly reduced to pieces. No matter how much I try to make sense of it all, I cannot. I am (was?) a super-active person with many interests, and this betrayal has splintered me and narrowed everything down to this single event. I wake up thinking about it and go to bed thinking about it. But the worst thing is the sense of utter shame at being deceived, at having lived a lie, of not being good enough. When I am alone, I am assailed by awful thoughts. I long to feel in control of my life again. I don’t want to end up bitter. I know I am not the first, and nor will I be the last person to go through this, but what does it take to recover? And am I overreacting? There was no mention in your letter of wha